The Power We Give Away

I frequently am struck by the amount of power we give to other people without a second thought.  How much time have we wasted upset, stressed, angry or defeated because of something another person has said to us or about us?  Heck, we even give 2-dimensional entities power over our happiness and feelings of self-worth.

The rude and thoughtless remark has caused no grief to the giver.  The photo-shopped image of female body perfection did not "intend" to wound you (it merely intends that you buy more useless cosmetics or clothes or whatever).  It is you, the receiver, the viewer, who is spending precious minutes of your life in anguish or self-hatred, in despair:  you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough; you are ugly, fat, too thin, too plain, too boring; you will never (pick one or more): get married, be successful, earn enough, love enough, have children, be loved.....

Why on earth do we do this to ourselves?  And, believe me, I am not holding myself apart as some paragon of virtue in this regard - neither in being the object of the self-assault, nor the source of hurtful comments.  I'm ashamed to say that I have been thoughtless and cruel, and I don't know what is worse:  the times I realized that I was, or the times I don't even realize that I was.  But, to return to the giving away of our power, why is it that I value myself so little, and random strangers and assholes so much, that THEY must be right, that the words they say MUST be true, that the image magazines project ARE what is beautiful?

I used to imagine that when I had children I would raise them all (particularly any girls) to have loads of self esteem, to be confident young adults that would take the world by the tail.  I enrolled my daughter in gymnastics and swimming to give her a sense of mastery over her body and positive body image.  I celebrated their uniqueness, attended all their performances, cheered their accomplishments, soothed their hearts and souls when things did not go just right.  I wanted them to have loads of common sense and yet not be afraid to dream.

But what I may have missed is teaching them to consider carefully whose opinions matter and under what circumstances. And yet, how do you teach something that you yourself are still in the process of learning?  It's more than repeating "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". I'd really love for someone to tell me what the magic formula is that my now adult children can learn / absorb / take to heart that will free them from learning the hard way not to give such power over to others, how to retain a strong sense of who they are, how to feel confident that their choices are the right ones for them regardless of the opinions of the bystanders and hecklers of their lives.

I long for that kinder, gentler world - the elusive utopia - where people operate from a place of love and respect for each other and for the planet.  I am realistic, however, and will never see that in my lifetime.  In the meantime, I will continue to try and be a safe place to land for my children and their friends (as sometimes happens) when the world is a cruel and judgmental place, when cruel and thoughtless words wound them deeply, and I will once again try to help them understand that they must not give such power to such unworthy sources.