I frequently am struck by the amount of power we give to other people without a second thought. How much time have we wasted upset, stressed, angry or defeated because of something another person has said to us or about us? Heck, we even give 2-dimensional entities power over our happiness and feelings of self-worth.
The rude and thoughtless remark has caused no grief to the giver. The photo-shopped image of female body perfection did not "intend" to wound you (it merely intends that you buy more useless cosmetics or clothes or whatever). It is you, the receiver, the viewer, who is spending precious minutes of your life in anguish or self-hatred, in despair: you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough; you are ugly, fat, too thin, too plain, too boring; you will never (pick one or more): get married, be successful, earn enough, love enough, have children, be loved.....
Why on earth do we do this to ourselves? And, believe me, I am not holding myself apart as some paragon of virtue in this regard - neither in being the object of the self-assault, nor the source of hurtful comments. I'm ashamed to say that I have been thoughtless and cruel, and I don't know what is worse: the times I realized that I was, or the times I don't even realize that I was. But, to return to the giving away of our power, why is it that I value myself so little, and random strangers and assholes so much, that THEY must be right, that the words they say MUST be true, that the image magazines project ARE what is beautiful?
I used to imagine that when I had children I would raise them all (particularly any girls) to have loads of self esteem, to be confident young adults that would take the world by the tail. I enrolled my daughter in gymnastics and swimming to give her a sense of mastery over her body and positive body image. I celebrated their uniqueness, attended all their performances, cheered their accomplishments, soothed their hearts and souls when things did not go just right. I wanted them to have loads of common sense and yet not be afraid to dream.
But what I may have missed is teaching them to consider carefully whose opinions matter and under what circumstances. And yet, how do you teach something that you yourself are still in the process of learning? It's more than repeating "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". I'd really love for someone to tell me what the magic formula is that my now adult children can learn / absorb / take to heart that will free them from learning the hard way not to give such power over to others, how to retain a strong sense of who they are, how to feel confident that their choices are the right ones for them regardless of the opinions of the bystanders and hecklers of their lives.
I long for that kinder, gentler world - the elusive utopia - where people operate from a place of love and respect for each other and for the planet. I am realistic, however, and will never see that in my lifetime. In the meantime, I will continue to try and be a safe place to land for my children and their friends (as sometimes happens) when the world is a cruel and judgmental place, when cruel and thoughtless words wound them deeply, and I will once again try to help them understand that they must not give such power to such unworthy sources.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Restlessness: new millennium problem?
There are days when I feel extremely restless, like I am waiting for something to happen (or fearing that something will happen imminently) and yet I don't really know what. I am on edge, on tenterhooks, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.
I am not alone.
I know others who get the same feelings, but I think the condition may be a particularly female one. Come to think of it, I don't know if I can recall a single man professing to be "at sixes and sevens" or discombobulated, or whatever word we use to paint the picture of our agitated, unfocused state.
The techno-oppression of this era makes me think that this restlessness is a new thing, and yet I recall reading a number of texts (both fiction and non-fiction) that make reference to women in bygone eras who had a nervous constitution, who were 'unsettled' and prone to hysteria.
And, as I stop to think about it, perhaps there have always been certain pressures on women that might cause us to feel that we were forgetting something - a chore, a duty, a social grace, perhaps. And, there have been many reasons why a woman might feel like they are on edge, just about to do something but not sure what that something is. Did my fore-mothers feel anxious that they had no voice, no power? Did they realize that that was making them restless? Did the lack of information, or long delays in learning of things happening to distant family, friends, and other places in the world, make them more or less restless?
Certainly in this technologically loaded world, we are more connected and know about things and others so quickly that even news organizations are not our first source. Does the constant bombardment of emails, text messages, appointment reminders, and so on merely create a cacophony of information that only enhances our agitation and feelings that we are not in control? Does getting through my emails make me feel satisfied or merely so unfocused that I no longer have the capacity to concentrate on a single task for more than 10 minutes, eroding my sense of purpose and achievement?
Buzz goes the phone (incoming text).
Chime goes the calendar reminder.
Bing goes my email.
Google this, google that, accomplish nothing.
In the end, I think my restless days are caused by knowing too little about too much and accomplishing way too much of the unimportant and not enough of the important.
Control, I think, is at the root of the restlessness, and that has not changed over the generations. Now if I can only figure out a really quick way to gain control of things... I bet there's an App for that... let me just Google it.
I am not alone.
I know others who get the same feelings, but I think the condition may be a particularly female one. Come to think of it, I don't know if I can recall a single man professing to be "at sixes and sevens" or discombobulated, or whatever word we use to paint the picture of our agitated, unfocused state.
The techno-oppression of this era makes me think that this restlessness is a new thing, and yet I recall reading a number of texts (both fiction and non-fiction) that make reference to women in bygone eras who had a nervous constitution, who were 'unsettled' and prone to hysteria.
And, as I stop to think about it, perhaps there have always been certain pressures on women that might cause us to feel that we were forgetting something - a chore, a duty, a social grace, perhaps. And, there have been many reasons why a woman might feel like they are on edge, just about to do something but not sure what that something is. Did my fore-mothers feel anxious that they had no voice, no power? Did they realize that that was making them restless? Did the lack of information, or long delays in learning of things happening to distant family, friends, and other places in the world, make them more or less restless?
Certainly in this technologically loaded world, we are more connected and know about things and others so quickly that even news organizations are not our first source. Does the constant bombardment of emails, text messages, appointment reminders, and so on merely create a cacophony of information that only enhances our agitation and feelings that we are not in control? Does getting through my emails make me feel satisfied or merely so unfocused that I no longer have the capacity to concentrate on a single task for more than 10 minutes, eroding my sense of purpose and achievement?
Buzz goes the phone (incoming text).
Chime goes the calendar reminder.
Bing goes my email.
Google this, google that, accomplish nothing.
In the end, I think my restless days are caused by knowing too little about too much and accomplishing way too much of the unimportant and not enough of the important.
Control, I think, is at the root of the restlessness, and that has not changed over the generations. Now if I can only figure out a really quick way to gain control of things... I bet there's an App for that... let me just Google it.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Anchors Away .... or is it Anchors Aweigh?
On my journey to lose weight, become healthy and fit, I set a few goals. One related to a particular dress size achievement with the reward set to finally taking a vacation in the middle of the winter - to somewhere sunny, warm and carefree. So, hurray! It's now happening and in less that six weeks, my daughter and I will be aboard the Celebrity Summit - cruising to lovely island destinations, jumping off pirate ships, frolicking with dolphins.
From my heaviest point 6 years ago, I have lost about 140 lbs. Yikes. It is even scary to write that, and even scarier to think I gained a good lot (but not all!) of this back over the intervening years, until the day just over a year ago when I smacked myself (facepalm) and said: what the hell are you doing? you worked so frigging hard to lose that weight!!! I also read a great book by Geneen Roth (Women, Food and God) and had my Oprah aha moments about why I ate and why I didn't value myself enough to honour my health and commit to being the best, doing the best for ME. So... yadda yadda yadda 12 months and countless turns on the elliptical and here we are: looking good, feeling good and heading to the sunshine!
I am bring my daughter on this trip for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that cruising alone seems rather pathetic. She (Kate has a Blog) has never been on a cruise or a fun in the sun vacation. There are things that each of us are looking forward to in our different ways. Personally, I am going to enjoy dressing up for dinner - something that doesn't happen at home - and escaping Canadian winter even if only for a week. I am also very excited about swimming with dolphins. (Cross THAT off the bucket list!).
I am however obsessing about minor details which is a bit odd, since I have traveled back and forth across this country and the U.S., been to Europe (lived there as a child), been to the Caribbean and Mexico several times, lived in Brazil, etc. etc. Travel and me... not a new thing. But it has been a very long time since I actually had a VACATION. How many fancy outfits, sandals, purses, shorts, t-shirts... do I need Dukoral, Twinrix? How seasick will I be? Is the all-inclusive drink plan worth it? What time do we board? Where will we eat lunch on the first day? Oh my God. I'm seriously acting like a first timer. Get a GRIP!!
I will do my best to chill out a little. I am also committing myself to a few tangible and intangible things:
1. I will endeavour to ignore how my "bat wings" look in the sleeveless dress, and just assume that I look marvelous
2. I will not obsess over the calorie count of every morsel that tempts me.
3. I will use the stairs on the ship not the elevator unless my feet are so blistered from walking walking walking.
4. I will actually use the onboard gym
5. I will try a new alcoholic concoction every day (time to experiment!)
6. I will take time to relax, smell the coffee (latte?), and breathe in the salt air.
7. I will take pictures and not cringe when someone takes one of me.
8. I will be social, meet people, and participate in things even if they sound silly.
I want to live a full, rich life. It means I need to get out of the way of my own self sometimes and RELAX. Let's see if I can actually do all this.
From my heaviest point 6 years ago, I have lost about 140 lbs. Yikes. It is even scary to write that, and even scarier to think I gained a good lot (but not all!) of this back over the intervening years, until the day just over a year ago when I smacked myself (facepalm) and said: what the hell are you doing? you worked so frigging hard to lose that weight!!! I also read a great book by Geneen Roth (Women, Food and God) and had my Oprah aha moments about why I ate and why I didn't value myself enough to honour my health and commit to being the best, doing the best for ME. So... yadda yadda yadda 12 months and countless turns on the elliptical and here we are: looking good, feeling good and heading to the sunshine!
I am bring my daughter on this trip for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that cruising alone seems rather pathetic. She (Kate has a Blog) has never been on a cruise or a fun in the sun vacation. There are things that each of us are looking forward to in our different ways. Personally, I am going to enjoy dressing up for dinner - something that doesn't happen at home - and escaping Canadian winter even if only for a week. I am also very excited about swimming with dolphins. (Cross THAT off the bucket list!).
I am however obsessing about minor details which is a bit odd, since I have traveled back and forth across this country and the U.S., been to Europe (lived there as a child), been to the Caribbean and Mexico several times, lived in Brazil, etc. etc. Travel and me... not a new thing. But it has been a very long time since I actually had a VACATION. How many fancy outfits, sandals, purses, shorts, t-shirts... do I need Dukoral, Twinrix? How seasick will I be? Is the all-inclusive drink plan worth it? What time do we board? Where will we eat lunch on the first day? Oh my God. I'm seriously acting like a first timer. Get a GRIP!!
I will do my best to chill out a little. I am also committing myself to a few tangible and intangible things:
1. I will endeavour to ignore how my "bat wings" look in the sleeveless dress, and just assume that I look marvelous
2. I will not obsess over the calorie count of every morsel that tempts me.
3. I will use the stairs on the ship not the elevator unless my feet are so blistered from walking walking walking.
4. I will actually use the onboard gym
5. I will try a new alcoholic concoction every day (time to experiment!)
6. I will take time to relax, smell the coffee (latte?), and breathe in the salt air.
7. I will take pictures and not cringe when someone takes one of me.
8. I will be social, meet people, and participate in things even if they sound silly.
I want to live a full, rich life. It means I need to get out of the way of my own self sometimes and RELAX. Let's see if I can actually do all this.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Workplace Bullies
Today, I managed to achieve the near impossible: I outlasted our Human Resources "advisors" and was actually able to hire the right person for the job. (Only those of us who work in government understand how daunting, how exhausting, how infuriating human resource staff can be, but I digress from the main topic of this post).
The connection between hiring this person and workplace bullies is that I am rescuing her from a little workplace tyrant / bully. Not that she is not a superb candidate (she is amazing!) and not that I do not need her skills desperately (which I do)... but more than that, I feel somewhat obligated to retrieve excellent people who are stuck in workplaces run by high-achieving dominatrices, who belittle, demean, "divide and conquer", cajole, over promise, and in a somewhat schizophrenic way scream at you one minute, and stroke your ego the next... a kind of "i love you, i love you not" affair that leaves you confused, demoralized and insecure. (But that is likely their plan!)
I have worked for such as these, both male and female. Sadly, it seems that this type of behaviour seems more female, not that there aren't male boss-hole bullies! It's just that the women seem to employ some of the more sneaky, grade school type of bullying. One would think that once you leave school, that everyone can be a "grown up" and treat one another with respect. One would think... but one would be wrong.
As a result of some unfortunate teen suicides recently, where bullying played a factor, there is a bit of a movement underway in my province to enact anti-bullying legislation. The pundits are out in force dissecting whether it will make things better or worse. Legislating will not, I'm afraid, change behaviour. It will take each and every person who feels even the remotest twinge of conscience to stand up against bullying behaviour, whenever and wherever they see it - school, work, playground, fancy parties, street corners, boardrooms.
I have personally left two jobs over the course of my career because of boss-hole tyrants. I should have had the guts to stand up to them and say: you cannot treat me or anyone else here like this. I should have said: when you gossip and slander my colleagues to me, I know you do the same with them about me. I should have said: your behaviour is disruptive and un-professional. I did not. And I am sorry. Because those wicked witches are still out there harming people psychologically, emotionally, spiritually.
The silent majority among us - those who have been bullied themselves, those who have watched bullying or know it is going on - we need to stand up and speak up.
This year, I promise to do better. I will NOT let bad behaviour go unremarked. I need to do more than rescue people after the fact, or listen and comfort those in the midst of terrible situations. I need to SAY something.
This year, 2012, I commit to doing better. I commit to speaking up against all forms of bullying.
Who's with me?
The connection between hiring this person and workplace bullies is that I am rescuing her from a little workplace tyrant / bully. Not that she is not a superb candidate (she is amazing!) and not that I do not need her skills desperately (which I do)... but more than that, I feel somewhat obligated to retrieve excellent people who are stuck in workplaces run by high-achieving dominatrices, who belittle, demean, "divide and conquer", cajole, over promise, and in a somewhat schizophrenic way scream at you one minute, and stroke your ego the next... a kind of "i love you, i love you not" affair that leaves you confused, demoralized and insecure. (But that is likely their plan!)
I have worked for such as these, both male and female. Sadly, it seems that this type of behaviour seems more female, not that there aren't male boss-hole bullies! It's just that the women seem to employ some of the more sneaky, grade school type of bullying. One would think that once you leave school, that everyone can be a "grown up" and treat one another with respect. One would think... but one would be wrong.
As a result of some unfortunate teen suicides recently, where bullying played a factor, there is a bit of a movement underway in my province to enact anti-bullying legislation. The pundits are out in force dissecting whether it will make things better or worse. Legislating will not, I'm afraid, change behaviour. It will take each and every person who feels even the remotest twinge of conscience to stand up against bullying behaviour, whenever and wherever they see it - school, work, playground, fancy parties, street corners, boardrooms.
I have personally left two jobs over the course of my career because of boss-hole tyrants. I should have had the guts to stand up to them and say: you cannot treat me or anyone else here like this. I should have said: when you gossip and slander my colleagues to me, I know you do the same with them about me. I should have said: your behaviour is disruptive and un-professional. I did not. And I am sorry. Because those wicked witches are still out there harming people psychologically, emotionally, spiritually.
The silent majority among us - those who have been bullied themselves, those who have watched bullying or know it is going on - we need to stand up and speak up.
This year, I promise to do better. I will NOT let bad behaviour go unremarked. I need to do more than rescue people after the fact, or listen and comfort those in the midst of terrible situations. I need to SAY something.
This year, 2012, I commit to doing better. I commit to speaking up against all forms of bullying.
Who's with me?
Monday, January 02, 2012
Acting my age.... what?
Yesterday, in a conversation with my sister (who, incidentally is 5 years my junior) I passed a comment that I did not think my children realized that I was in fact 53 years old. In my mind, this means that when they visit they are often puzzled (and likely irritated) by my need / desire to go to bed earlier than they, to minimize noise and chaos, and to turn the tv up a little when I am watching. I am sure all mothers go through this point - where adult children still think of you as "Momnipotent". My sister's response stunned me:
"If you would stop acting and looking like you were 33, then they might".
What the hell?
I know what she is referring to and it is mostly a reflection of her own personal baggage and bag of hammers that she endures. The fact is that I have always been high energy, EVEN when fibromyalgia had me in its relentless talons. My kids have never known me to "just sit" and there is not a person on this planet who would call me lazy. Don't get me wrong: I don't want a hero biscuit or lavish lauding because I happen to be the one who just gets it done.
Do I look like I'm 33? No. But having lost weight and maintained a regular workout regime, I am in the best shape I've been since before I had the afore-mentioned children. But the mirror doesn't lie, if you choose to really, honestly look at yourself. It's hard, actually, to honestly but compassionately look at your 53-year old body and take stock. When I was 33, there was nary a wrinkle, no chicken neck, no thinning skin. My skin was the envy of all - no wrinkles, supple and smooth as a newborn baby's bum. Alas, we mourn our perfect skin!
I look 53. I don't even mind looking 53, because I still know that I look good for 53. I feel great. One of the reasons I committed myself to myself re: diet and exercise was to ensure that I looked and felt great for many years to come. I want to be able to chase my grandchildren, play on the floor with them. I want to be able to hike up to Machu Picchu and walk all over ancient European towns. I am choosing to live fully.
As for acting 33? I doubt it. The things that were important for me at 33 no longer entice. I guard my free time religiously and spend it with those I care about, not those I feel obligated to or because our children happen to be friends. I love quiet evenings at home. I have taken up crocheting. My glasses are on a granny string around my neck. Yes, I facebook and skype and blackberry message people. Welcome to the new century!
In the end, perhaps others need to realize that age is a physical state.... but a physical state that is incredibly affected by mental outlook. I am embracing my middle years! I am choosing to enjoy them by being as healthy and active as I can be.
So there.
"If you would stop acting and looking like you were 33, then they might".
What the hell?
I know what she is referring to and it is mostly a reflection of her own personal baggage and bag of hammers that she endures. The fact is that I have always been high energy, EVEN when fibromyalgia had me in its relentless talons. My kids have never known me to "just sit" and there is not a person on this planet who would call me lazy. Don't get me wrong: I don't want a hero biscuit or lavish lauding because I happen to be the one who just gets it done.
Do I look like I'm 33? No. But having lost weight and maintained a regular workout regime, I am in the best shape I've been since before I had the afore-mentioned children. But the mirror doesn't lie, if you choose to really, honestly look at yourself. It's hard, actually, to honestly but compassionately look at your 53-year old body and take stock. When I was 33, there was nary a wrinkle, no chicken neck, no thinning skin. My skin was the envy of all - no wrinkles, supple and smooth as a newborn baby's bum. Alas, we mourn our perfect skin!
I look 53. I don't even mind looking 53, because I still know that I look good for 53. I feel great. One of the reasons I committed myself to myself re: diet and exercise was to ensure that I looked and felt great for many years to come. I want to be able to chase my grandchildren, play on the floor with them. I want to be able to hike up to Machu Picchu and walk all over ancient European towns. I am choosing to live fully.
As for acting 33? I doubt it. The things that were important for me at 33 no longer entice. I guard my free time religiously and spend it with those I care about, not those I feel obligated to or because our children happen to be friends. I love quiet evenings at home. I have taken up crocheting. My glasses are on a granny string around my neck. Yes, I facebook and skype and blackberry message people. Welcome to the new century!
In the end, perhaps others need to realize that age is a physical state.... but a physical state that is incredibly affected by mental outlook. I am embracing my middle years! I am choosing to enjoy them by being as healthy and active as I can be.
So there.
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