The Weight is Over, and other tall tales

I am a large person.  Scratch that - I am a BIG person.  I stand 6 feet tall and have at some points in my life weighed a helluva lot.  My relationships with food and exercise are complex and I may never unravel it all and make sense of it.  But I plan on trying.

Last year, I read "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I had been browsing O magazine while waiting for an appointment and just happened to open to the interview of Ms. Roth.  In the small bit I read, something resonated and I ordered the book as soon as I got home.  I devoured the book, if you will pardon the overeating reference!

My "aha moment" (to borrow from Oprah) was realizing how little care and compassion I had for my "self".  I am strongly supportive and caring of others, but I denied myself the same!  I also took my body completely for granted.  I have good genes as they say - great blood pressure, high "good" cholesterol, low "bad" cholesterol, etc. etc. I also had some bad genes, i.e., obesity on both sides of my family.  What right did I have to squander the good?

I also decided that I needed to stop lambasting and whipping myself for every little thing I put in my mouth.  I decided that I needed to honour my self, my body, my spirit.  I needed to commit to myself.

Sounds easy, right?  Uh uh. Not exactly. Been there and done that.  Five years previous I had embarked on a program at a local bariatric clinic and lost over 130 pounds.  Gradually the weight had gone back on - not all - but a goodly amount.  My first big decision, one that I must occasionally remind myself of, was not to dwell on the fact that I had re-gained, but to focus on the now, focus on my commitment to myself.  It became - still is - a personal journey to health and wellness.  I have no group exercise classes to go to, no Doc to weigh me.  Just me, myself, the elliptical and weights in the basement, the food scale, and http://www.myfitnesspal.com  .

I promised myself honesty.  I promised myself commitment.  And that is what I have continued to do.  I log calories and exercise. I banish the "voice" in my head that tries to undermine my confidence.  I take each day and do my best.

Here's what I've learned:  I am strong.  I prefer exercising alone rather than in a group or at a gym. I can talk myself into exercising just as easily as I used to talk myself out of exercising. The scale is a number that provides me with information but has no power; the power is my commitment to myself. The power is gentleness and honesty with myself.

I am now down to what I weighed when I finished at the bariatric centre.  But I feel different.  I feel in control, and I feel on track.  I have met my major and minor goals, and have made the effort to reward myself for my hard work in meaningful ways.  I am not done with losing, I am not done with exercising, I am not done with counting calories.  But, I feel good.

I will always be a big person.  I will never be short.  I will always have big feet, a big heart, a big sense of humour, a big intellect, a big thirst for knowledge, and a big joy for living.

I have now added to this list: I have a big commitment to myself and my health.